December has been a crappy month for me.
I was doing good, until I went to the doctor and found out this....
Let's rewind a little bit to this summer. I had a really strong feeling that Tasyn needed a sister. Like really strong, it's the ONLY reason why I decided that we could/should have one more child. I thought that if I had such a strong feeling that it was a way of saying that I was going to give Tasyn a little sister. All through the first trimester I really felt like it was a girl. The pregnancy was just more like Tasyn's than the boys'. Even Terry thought it was a girl. I was excited about it, I was thinking about how I could make a super cute girly room and make fun things to match Tasyn. It what was getting me through the days.
You see this move hasn't been good for me. Really two moves 11 months apart from each other hasn't been good for me. But especially this one. I just feel like I have been forgotten and lost in the middle of nowhere. I just stay at home all day, I rarely shower or get dressed. I wear pajamas the majority of the time. I have nothing to look forward to in the week. I don't see anyone, I don't talk to anyone, I'm just alone (besides the fact that I always have two kids with me). No one calls me, I just feel forgotten. So the thought of having another little girl was keeping me going, giving me something to look forward to.
Well December 4th came and I went to the doctor's with the two kids, without Terry. I was super excited because somehow I convinced the doctors to get me an ultrasound. I seriously thought that it was a girl even up to the moment the doctor put those words on the screen. With Keyne, Terry and I walked into the ultrasound room and had a feeling that it was going to be a boy, I didn't get that this time. I was devastated. I got through the ultrasound without showing my emotion. And then I called Terry and I lost it. For someone who doesn't cry very much, I bawled. I bawled for at least 3 days straight. The worse part, I was two hours away from home. I still had to go shopping at Walmart because I have to feed my family. I had to drive for two hours, just crying. I had lost all hope of Tasyn getting a little sister. I had hopes and dreams and plans for our little family, and they were smashed just like that.
The next day I was just depressed and didn't want to get out of bed, Terry had to come home from work because someone had to take care of our kids. I haven't been the same since, I just don't care anymore. New Year's came and everyone had a resolution and me, I just want to make it through the day without losing it. I have no dreams or hopes right now because I don't want them to get smashed again. I have no plans because my plans rarely work out. I guarantee that moving to Nebraska (or even Utah) wasn't in my plans. Yes I am depressed and I know it.
I had another ultrasound yesterday, I decided that I wouldn't tell anyone and just pretend that I didn't know. I had another ultrasound because the first showed that I have placenta previa.
I was able to have her just look to see if you could see parts, to just to get a confirmation At first she was showing me what looked like girl parts and then the baby turned and we got a good view. As far as the placenta, it has moved up little bit, it's not completely over the cervix, but it is still really close to it. So I get to go have another one in 2 weeks. Usually I would be happy to have another ultrasound, but being 2 hours away it's not the easiest thing to do and it really starts costing.
So that is an update on me. I'm struggling a lot. I'm not happy, I don't have much to look forward to and life here is just plain hard. My closest friends are 45 minutes away, the little things that got me through the days are gone (like getting out of the house, even to go to McDonalds and let my kids play and have ice cream or even the joy of going and checking my mail everyday).
Well that is enough complaining for one day, I could go on but I think I will stop. The point of the story: we are having another boy.
5 comments:
I'm so sorry that you're having a hard time, Kaysi. I wish I could come help you in some way. I suppose the only thing I can say is that it's okay to have the feelings that you have right now. You made a life-changing decision, and it didn't work out the way you had hoped. Allow yourself to be upset, and don't let anyone lecture you about it. All the same, those sweet little babies that are already running around in your house still need the positive love and affection from their mommy, so try to find the little happy moments throughout the day to give it to them. Stay strong. :)
I'm so sorry to hear you are struggling so badly Kaysi. I know how you feel. When we decided to have one more baby I really wanted it to be a girl. I really wanted Bri to have a sister. To buy those cute crotched headbands and tutus. When we found out it was another boy I really wanted to cry. But Bri was devastated enough for all of us so I had to be strong. I have battled depression for years and I know how hard it is. Everyday is a struggle. The simplest tasks become insurmountable. All the plans you had seem so far away. Sometimes the dream has to change. It's ok to grieve but for those Kidd and for Terry you have to keep going! And please talk to your Dr. I took antidepressants with two of my four pregnancies. The disagree were smaller but it was enough to get me through. There's no shame in recognizing that you need help and getting it! Hang in there baby! You will be in my prayers!!
Kaysi I'm so sorry! Just pray and ask the Lord to help you see the bigger picture and what his plans are for you. I know it's hard and you sometimes don't even want to, because you just want to be mad at life and the way it is, which is totally understandable! Good luck...I hope things get better for you!
Oh, Kaysi that is so hard. I have no better advice than all the women that posted previous to me:) Just be strong and I'm thinking about you!
I'm feeling the December blues too! I hate when I feel like I don't have anything to look forward to. I'm so sorry your having a crappy time. I will pray for you. Just think, having a boy is better than having cancer... Try and count your blessings. Or sometimes it's okay to just be depressed. Eat bad food and sleep as much as you want (can). This too shall pass.
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