I feel like this is my life. I love being a mom, but I don't know if I love being a stay at home mom. Frankly, I'm not good at it. I don't clean well, I don't get down and play with my kids well. This summer I feel like the TV and Wii have been babysitting my kids. I just haven't done a good job at it. If feel that if I could get fired, I would be.
Sadly, this isn't something that I can change very easily. I can't just go apply for a new "job". I don't have a degree, so if I were to work, I would have to find a job that would cover the cost of daycare for three kids. So most likely, not going to happen.
I don't know how to enjoy my "job" again. I truly love my kids and I don't want anyone else to raise them, but at the same time, I'm not happy. I haven't been happy for some time now. I don't know how to get happy either. If I did, I would do it. But I just don't know what to do. Things in life give me joy, but only for awhile and then I go back into my rut.
Now with this move, my "job" just got harder. With the 30 minute commute that Terry will be doing, that means that he is going to be out of the house for 2 more hours in the day. That is two more hours that I have to be home alone with the kids. Because of this, I have become very lonely. I've come to realize that I am a very social person. I HATE being in my house but there is no where to go most of the days. I can't tell you how afraid I am of moving. It's like I'm in high school again, I'm just so worried that people won't like me. That I won't find any friends.
I don't know where I was going with this. I should be happy because I have been blessed so much. But for some reason, I can't get happy. I have tried for several months now and I just can't seem to get out of my rut. Hopefully after we move and get settled, I will feel happy again. At the same time, I worry that this move will cause me to be clinically depressed.
8 comments:
I know how you feel, I bet when you get to Utah you will be great there will be more to do there!
Kaysi, have you talked to a doctor? Your symptoms already sound a lot like clinical depression to me. I had postpartum after my first two and spent most of my pregnancy and postpartum period depressed after Micah. Depression can make it hard to keep the house clean, hard to play with the kids, everything is just harder. I really think you should talk to someone about how you are feeling. I have been on prozac for quite a while now and it has been a life (and sanity) saver for me! Don't just expect things to get better when the move is complete. It sounds like you need to take action before you leave. If you ever need to talk email me or message me on FB! Miss ya and love ya girl!
I was just going to say the same thing as the above comment. I had similar symptoms at the beginning of the year....which turned out my vitamin D was low....I didn't think I was bad enough to go on depression meds, but tried vitamin D supplementation and felt much better! I would recommend seeing someone as well!
And I am pretty sure you will be just fine in Utah. Heavenly Father wants you to be here for a reason or things wouldn't have happened when they did (I feel the same way about my move) and I will provide a way for your fears to be calmed. You are very talented and very outgoing and probably won't have much troupe finding people to do things with!!!
I would bet most Stay at home moms feel this way at some point. I really hope you can get feeling better soon. Raising four kids is a HARD job! I just try to remember this is a very important job to raise these choice spirits in the gospel so we can all return to our heavenly father some day...
They won't be little forever. When they are all older and in school we can afford more time for our own desires and accomplish other great things. Plus, when they're older you can drag them lots more places you want to go without so much hassle.
Hey Kaysi, it's me, Katy (Aaron) Wilson. I know I hardly ever (if at all) post comments on your blog, but I do peak in from time to time to see what you're up to. I read this last post and thought I'd write ya!
You're totally NORMAL. In fact... you're Crazy-Normal! Four kids is a lot and you're doing so much (between family, callings, your blog, selling a home, cleaning, moving, etc, etc, etc)... taking all that on is CRAZY!!! :)
But honestly... you've got great friends supporting you, use them!
And as for a job... If I remember correctly, you're an amazing dancer and had such a fun time doing so. You should get a class set up and teach in the evenings... you'd be great at it.
by the way... you are the one who got me started on Insanity. I'm in my second week of it. It's. SO. HARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I totally feel ya Kaysi! And I only have one child! Utah will be great for you! Just make sure to do WhATEVER needs to happen to make sure you have time for yourself so you don't get too lonely and unhappy.
Kaysi,
I feel you. I soooo feel you - life as a Mom can be rewarding, challenging, fulfilling and the BEST. It can also be overwhelming, full of mundane details, isolating, and easier to hide at home even if it isn't what you want to do.
I really think this move could be great for you. More than likely you will be in a ward with a lot of young Moms who love to get out with their kids and have fun. Your kids can help you make friend - let them. Plus, think of the library programs, rec activities, parks, splash parks, and extras that Utah has to offer.
The best thing that I have done recently to jump start my own "get out of a rut" program is find a YW and do Personal Progress with her. It hasn't added anything extra to get down except scripture reading that I needed to do anyway. Her attitude and the fun of tailoring our goals to help each other out has helped me find the fun of making goals and accomplishing them again.
Good Luck! I know you're going to do great! AND I have some great friends out that way that I can hook you up with!
I hear ya, Kaysi. It seems to be part of the whole SAHM package deal. I also recommend going to a doctor or counselor to get evaluated. This is a tough stage of life.
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